Plays: The Inspectors Office: Part 5

The Waiting Room 1 at City of London Police Station, 182 Bishopsgate

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Sternly and Angrily) All of you who come in here with a bogus story will be immediately arrested for stupidity! I want evidence, on the night, the night of August 27^th at the corner of Saint Mary Axe, city of London, England, Europe the world! If you have nothing to say then I suggest, you leave now before I arrest all of you!!!

FX: Loud chatter immediately resumes after his speech, scurrying can be heard, as numerous witnesses make their way out of the waiting room. Various people shout out profanities at Lee:

CHARACTER X:                   He’s crazy! I’m not goin’ in there!

CHARACTER Y:                   Doing them a favor! This is the thanks I get!

CHARACTER Z:                    I wana be paid for coming down!

FX: Noise gets lower as all the witnesses leave the waiting room. In the distance the footsteps and chatter from the other policemen and women can be heard.

 

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (livid) What is it Jonny?! You are this close to being fired so I would watch –

JONNY:                                  (Hesitantly) Well Sir I erm, Just wanna say that I was there on the night of August 27^th, see my girlfriend works at the bank near there and I was visiting and I saw –

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (livid- between clenched teeth) What! Why has it taken you so long to come forward?!

JONNY:                                  Well Sir, you was always telling me to keep me mouth shut sirs. I mean no offence. I need to keep this job so I did as you told me.

Plays: The Inspectors Office: Part 4

FX: Swinging of door open as a young girl enters. Her light footsteps can be heard as she makes her way to the chair. Door swings shut behind her.

YOUNG GIRL:                       Hello

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (screams) Jonny!!!

FX: Door swings open, soft padding of Jonny’s shoes as he makes his way over to the young girl.

YOUNG GIRL:                       (desperately) But I have something to say!

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (sarcastic) O really? (Sternly) Listen to me very carefully little girl, if you do not leave this room right away, and I mean fast, real fast. You’ll be sleeping in a cell tonight, alone. Now go on!

YOUNG GIRL:                       (Indignant) Hey! I’m not here for the prize money!

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (sarcastic) You sure? Then what you here for? Adventure? Sweets? Fame? A day off from school?

YOUNG GIRL:                       (Hesitantly) No! It’s just…

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (mimicking her girly high voice) It’s just what? (Angrily) I don’t have time for time wasters

YOUNG GIRL:                       (Indignant) But I have something to say!

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (condescending) O really? About what exactly? Your pets? Boy at school? Strict parents? School bullies?

YOUNG GIRL:                       (Upset – whispers) No! I said I have –

INSPECTOR LEE:                 O that’s right you have something to say! Go on spit it out! Get it off your chest! Blow off some steam! What cat got your tongue?!

YOUNG GIRL:                       (Angrily) No!

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (smug) That’s what I thought, now go on!

YOUNG GIRL:                       (Pause, then says firmly) No! I have something to say; about the 27^th of August at nine fifty five, on the corner of Saint Mary Axe.

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (pause – clears throat, then says calmly) Please go on

YOUNG GIRL:                       (High Girlish voice- speaks very fast) Finally! Well on that day yeah. I was walking to school with a boy called Jamie Rivers, and he and I were going to be late, seeing as it was nearly 10. But yeah, anyway I was slow cause I had just eaten breakfast –

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Takes a deep breath then screams) Jonny!!!!!!!!

FX: Jonny comes forward to take the girl away – rustling of clothes as he places his hands on her shoulders. She shrugs him off.

YOUNG GIRL:                       (Indignant) What hey! I haven’t finished my story I saw a car run over a cats tail! Hey get off!

FX: Lee leaves the little girl and Jonny in the Interrogation room and rises out of his chair, scraping of chair harshly against the floor. Lee goes into the waiting room which is just outside the door; heavy footsteps of Lee can be heard. He violently pushes the door open. Loud chatter can be heard – but is quickly hushed by his entrance

Plays: The Inspectors Office: Part 3

FX: Door swings open then closes. A Nigerian Princesses comes in her heavy footsteps can be heard and the sound of a many heavy bracelets can be heard jingling as she moves around. Loud clicking of heels on the floor. She walks about looking at the Interrogation room. 

NIGERIAN PRINCESS:         (Heavy Nigerian accent) Hey I am welcome, it is a welcome to be here. ey it is very fancy here eaa, not bad, this one is not bad. I see I will be paid very well

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (flabbergasted – stammering – taken aback by her exotic appearance) Whoa- what? Excuse me?

NIGERIAN P:                         O no don’t mind me. I was just admiring this your very fine office sir, it is very fine. Hey table and chair, glasses we are drinking from. Back in my home town…

FX: clinking of glasses can be heard and very heavy footsteps as the Nigerian Princess picks up the glass, clinking of glasses can be heard.

 

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (incredulous – voice is strained – disbelieving tone) I don’t not want to sound rude miss, but can you please just tell me what it is your doing here?

NIGERIAN P:                         O owww know what is this? This is no good, we have to talk to one another you know, to talk, this is London after all; land of the free

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (still incredulous but recovering from shock) actually that’s America, but I have a very long day ahead of me, so if you can just tell me if you saw anything? (uncertain) That is why you’re here? –

NIGERIAN P:                         O yes, the corner of Saint Mary Axe, on the 27^th of August at nine fifty five. I know I heard it on the radio, the prize money got my attention, you know. Now if I tell you more than I am supposed to know, will I get bonus or something. I would really like the bonus, you know

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Sternly- rising anger) no there will absolutely no bonus! The prize, what was I thinking. You have just come here for money; you don’t actually know anything do you?! Well do you?! Cause you can just walk straight out of that door –

NIGERIAN P:                         (kisses teeth – rudely speaks) Hey you do not talk to me like that! I am Princess in my home land! Excuse me, nonsense, (starts cursing in Igbo: Iwo mugu, iwo mago-mago iwo, nwoke, A dị na ume ngwụ. Iwe na-ewe m, iwo mango-mango wangara, kpash. Mugu)

Translation: You fool, you shady man, silly, do not be lazy! I am angry! You shady policeman. Nonsense, Stupid!

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Rising anger) Hey, hey I don’t understand! Speak English! This is England and in England –

NIGERIAN P:                         O excuse me (clicks fingers) my husband is the ambassador! I have my master in English! Do not think I cannot talk, like you talk; now I want to know about the prize money. If you did not want people asking about it then why did you put it there? Nonsense! (Kisses teeth)

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (stern – calmer tone) I was not insinuating that –

NIGERIAN P:                         (Angrily) O I know, you was not insinuating, this or whatever. Just tell me about the prize money. Your this incompetent assistant did not say anything when I asked him, they just moved me to this place.

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (between clenched teeth – rising anger) Are you telling me, that you don’t actually know what happened at the corner of Saint Mary Axe?! That you just came here to inquire about the prize money?!

NIGERIAN P:                         Is that not what I said – no. I saw something; man getting into a car with this fitty fitty woman, if you ask me I did not trust the way he was looking here and there and everywhere. He was dressed in business suite, it was his mistress this I know

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (strained voice) Thank you ma’am, but that doesn’t really qualify as information on the murder. I thank you for your time

NIGERIAN P:                         O no (starts speaking in Igo again.iwo mago-mago iwo, muguiwo, kpash

Translation: you are shady! Stupid man! Nonsense. 

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Loudly) Jonathan! Get in here right now!

NIGERIAN P:                         Excuse me! The ambassador will hear about this one! Nonsense!  I was leaving anyway! (Kisses teeth – hump’s)

FX: The Nigerian Princess gets out and slams the door behind her – her heavy footsteps fade. Door opens again sturdy yet soft footsteps of Jonny can be heard – the door closes.

JONNY:                                  (Clears throat, hesitant, slight pause) erm sir?

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (loudly in anger) Are you incapable of thought?! Rational thought! No I don’t want you to answer that! Clearly you aren’t! Haven’t you been paying attention to the sort of people who are coming through here! Saint Mary Axe is around the city, so it will be the business types who may have seen something from their office window, I know them types work late! Can’t you even ask them one or two questions to find out if there legit – So I don’t have to waste my time? I know you’re not thinking of answering that! Bring the next one in you dolt!

FX: Shuffling of feet, as Jonny fidgets under Lee’s gaze. Soft padding of feet, as Jonny makes his way out of the room, the door swigs open then closed. Lee fixes the paper in front of him – light rustling of paper

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (sighs then yawns loudly) I ought to fire him.

Plays: The Inspectors Office: Part 2

MARGARET:                         Well hello young man. Good to see this place is being kept clean, but still looks menacing huh? (High laughter)

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (exasperated) Mrs. Robinson, may I ask what it is you are doing here? (lower voice) again?

MARGARET:                         O I’m here about the prize money of course. It’s all over the news deary, and I just thought I could do with that. Well you see, my poor whiskers she needs some surgery and I can’t pay out of my pension –

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (sternly) Mrs. Robinson! This is a serious matter, we’re not a charity! If you have –

MARGARET:                         (Sobs quietly – sniffles panting, blows her nose loudly, drinks water loudly)

MARGARET:                         (Sniffles) O no, no! I heard the news, o no, you said if I saw, if I only saw, and I saw, I just saw

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (strained voice which then turns to anger) Mrs. Robinson! This is an investigation for pities sake!

MARGARET:                         (Hysterical crying) O no! Whiskers! Whiskers surgery!

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (strained calm tone) Mrs. Robinson? Mrs. Robinson?!

MARGARET:                         (Crying has stopped) Call me Margaret

INSPECTOR LEE:                 Okay, Margaret, did you see anything on the night of August 27^th at nine fifty five on the –

MARGARET:                         (Excited) O yes! Yes I did! I saw something! I came in to say I saw something!

INSPECTOR LEE:                 And what is that Mrs – Margret?

MARGARET:                         (sniffling) Well my cat whisker of course. Her tail was trodden on at precisely 10:15 I am sure of it, I know that only a killer would do something like that! Only a killer! It had to be him!

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (rising anger) Mrs – Margret if you did not see anything at the corner of Saint Mary Axe, on the 27^th of August at nine fifty five! Then I’m sorry, I cannot help you!

MARGARET:                         (Angrily) Well I never! I should file a complaint against you Leonard, after all my taxes have paid!  I have never been thus –

INSPECTOR LEE:                 Jonny!

FX: Door swings open as Jonny enters. He places a hand gently on Margaret pulling her up gently. Margaret rises swiftly and the chair is violently scrapped against the surface of the floor as she leaves. A stomping of her heels, Jonny puts a hand on her again to help but she struggles away from him, sounds of struggling can be heard as Margaret tries to free herself of Jonny.

MARGRET:                            (Angrily) Hey! Unhand me! Unhand me at once!

JONNY:                                  (Strained voice, softly spoken) Mrs Robinson please let’s just…

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Sternly) Margret! Well you please co-operate –

MARGRET:                            (Hysterical indignation) Call me Mrs. Robinson! Hey! I said unhand me!

FX: Jonny lets go of her she storms out ahead of him – he follows her. Two sets of footsteps can be heard. The Door swings open and closed.

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (sighs then yawns loudly, mumbles) She gets crazier with every visit

 

Plays: The Inspectors Office: Part 1

Hello All,

I know I said I would post the recording of Heart Problems up, but due to technical difficulties I was unable to, I am still working out the kinks but hopefully it shall be posted up shortly.

As promised my new play: The Inspectors Office.

The Inspectors Office

Scene 1: Interrogation Room 1 at City of London Police Station, 182 Bishopsgate

INSPECTOR LEE:                     (condescending – enunciates every syllable) Bring them in Jonny one by one – actually I’ll say it nice, and slow and simple for your real slow mind to understand. Don’t use your head, do as I tell you, we could use my head instead of yours, it’s got a masters, it should to compensate for your lacking.

JONNY:                                      (soft hesitant voice) Yes Sir, I hear you Sir, I was just going to say that –

INSPECTOR LEE:                     Jonathan! How long have you been here!

JONNY:                                      (starts off hesitant) Well sir, I’ve been here for nearly 4 months sir, got myself promoted just last week sir

INSPECTOR LEE:                     O really 4 months already, and what have you learnt in those 4 months?

JONNY:                                      Well I’ve erm learnt –

INSPECTOR LEE:                     Let me tell you what you’ve learnt; to follow my orders and –

JONNY:                                      Well sir, I did –

INSPECTOR LEE:                     Don’t interrupt me Jonny. In fact I don’t want you to talk –

JONNY:                                      But sir –

INSPECTOR LEE:                     (loudly) No! Not even if the Prime Minister walked in and told you I was going to be knighted, not even if your girlfriend breaks up with you and your upset and want to talk; not then, not know, not ever.

JONNY:                                      Well yes sir but –

INSPECTOR LEE:                 Jonny, what did I tell you about talking?

JONNY:                                  Erm, well sir, you said I should…

INSPECTOR LEE:                 What was that Jonny?

JONNY:                                  Not do it sir. And I won’t! I will be tight-lipped. The best partner you ever had sir, but sir –

INSPECTOR LEE:                 Jonny!

JONNY:                                  Sir yes sir! Not A word Sir! I will go and get the next witness sir!

FX: Jonny’s footsteps can be heard on the floor, a heavy sounding door swings shut as Jonny exits, then swings open again as Siobhan walks in, her high heels can be heard clicking loudly on the metal floor. She drags the chair opposite Lee out; it produces a very noisy sound as it is scraped against the surface of the floor. The jingling of her bracelets can be heard from when she first enters until she sits down. The walk from the door to the chair is very short.

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (calmly) Siobhan, why am I not surprised to see you here. So tell me what you saw on the night –

SIOBHAN:                              Don’t give me attitude Lee, yeah. All I wana say is that I didn’t see nothing or nobody or no one – ain’t nothing gona make me talk. I ain’t a squealer. Hell I just got out and I look way to cute to go back in, shoo.

INSPECTOR LEE:                 Siobhan calm down will you, just calm down. No one said anything about you going back inside. I just want to know what you saw.

SIOBHAN:                              Nothing! I didn’t see nada, neit, non, nothing. (Pause) so when do I get my money? Cause you know you’re lucky I am even speaking to your trifling ass – after what you did to me –

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (raised voice) Jonny get her out of here!

FX: Jonny rushes in – the door swings open, soft padding of Jonny shoes against the floor.

SIOBHAN:                              (Grunts – sassy voice) O uh-uh, after no money! Dressing up – looking all cute to come down here, waking up early to travel down here, leaving my street corner empty for you. No don’t you touch me! I know you can’t afford this on what he is paying you!

JONNY:                                  (whispers) Come on Siobhan

                                                    FX: Siobhan bracelets and bangles and jingling loudly, as Jonny places a hand on her, pulling her slightly. Her chair is scraped violently across floor as she gets up to leave. Siobhan grunts and curses. Two sets of footsteps can be heard as they both leave. The door swings closed.

INSPECTOR LEE:                (sighs in exasperation)

FX: Lee drinks a glass of water; he then shuffles the papers on his desk. The Door opens again, The Lawyer walks in his shoes barely making a sound as he makes his way over to the chair, which he sits in, sound of the chair very gently being scrapped in.

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Clears throat then speaks in a voice of forced calm) So what did you see?

LAWYER:                              What did you think I could see?

INSPECTOR LEE:                 Listen mate, I’m not here to mess around. Did you or did you not see anything on the night of August 27^th at nine fifty five, at the corner of Saint Mary Axe?

LAWYER:                              Maybe I saw something, maybe I didn’t. I need to know how much money I’m getting first – it’s not easy out there.

INSPECTOR LEE:                 No? (Incredulous) For a sleaze ball like you I am sure times must not be hard at all. Don’t think I don’t see you selling those knock-off watches down in the old pub –

LAWYER:                              (Indignant) Hey! Hey I don’t come in here judging you yeah. Its business, business is business and will always be business right. So I need to know my cut, see that’s the Lawyer in me talking. You know what I am saying?

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Loudly) This isn’t a business wise guy! You tell me what happened and I’ll decide not to arrest you for fraud. How’s that for business.

LAWYER:                              Well then maybe I did see something; know what I mean. But it was on the 26^th – now if you need any information on the 26^th – I’m your guy, will that interest you?

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Raised voice) Jonny! Get this maestro out of here!

FX: Door swings open, light footsteps of Jonny can be heard as he makes his way to The Lawyer. Jonny places a hand on the Lawyer.

LAWYER:                                  (Indignant) Hey, hey watch the suit it’s the best knock-off Italian you’ll ever see. Hey I said watch it, I ought’ta press charges

JONNY:                                      (Softly) Sorry ‘bout this…

LAWYER:                                  Yeah you will be sorry! (Voice drowns out))

FX: The Lawyer brushes Jonny’s arm away and gets up, slight scrapping of the chair, Jonny places his hand back on the Lawyer a rustling of the lawyers clothes can be heard as he straightens out his suit. Two sets of footsteps heard as they leave the door swings closed. The door is immediately opened again and closed; Margaret enters she moves very slowly to the chair a light clicking of heels can be heard as she walks. A light scraping of the chair on the floor as Margret sits down.