Plays: The Inspectors Office: Part 3

FX: Door swings open then closes. A Nigerian Princesses comes in her heavy footsteps can be heard and the sound of a many heavy bracelets can be heard jingling as she moves around. Loud clicking of heels on the floor. She walks about looking at the Interrogation room. 

NIGERIAN PRINCESS:         (Heavy Nigerian accent) Hey I am welcome, it is a welcome to be here. ey it is very fancy here eaa, not bad, this one is not bad. I see I will be paid very well

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (flabbergasted – stammering – taken aback by her exotic appearance) Whoa- what? Excuse me?

NIGERIAN P:                         O no don’t mind me. I was just admiring this your very fine office sir, it is very fine. Hey table and chair, glasses we are drinking from. Back in my home town…

FX: clinking of glasses can be heard and very heavy footsteps as the Nigerian Princess picks up the glass, clinking of glasses can be heard.


INSPECTOR LEE:                 (incredulous – voice is strained – disbelieving tone) I don’t not want to sound rude miss, but can you please just tell me what it is your doing here?

NIGERIAN P:                         O owww know what is this? This is no good, we have to talk to one another you know, to talk, this is London after all; land of the free

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (still incredulous but recovering from shock) actually that’s America, but I have a very long day ahead of me, so if you can just tell me if you saw anything? (uncertain) That is why you’re here? –

NIGERIAN P:                         O yes, the corner of Saint Mary Axe, on the 27th of August at nine fifty five. I know I heard it on the radio, the prize money got my attention, you know. Now if I tell you more than I am supposed to know, will I get bonus or something. I would really like the bonus, you know

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Sternly- rising anger) no there will absolutely no bonus! The prize, what was I thinking. You have just come here for money; you don’t actually know anything do you?! Well do you?! Cause you can just walk straight out of that door –

NIGERIAN P:                         (kisses teeth – rudely speaks) Hey you do not talk to me like that! I am Princess in my home land! Excuse me, nonsense, (starts cursing in Igbo: Iwo mugu, iwo mago-mago iwo, nwoke, A dị na ume ngwụ. Iwe na-ewe m, iwo mango-mango wangara, kpash. Mugu)

Translation: You fool, you shady man, silly, do not be lazy! I am angry! You shady policeman. Nonsense, Stupid!

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Rising anger) Hey, hey I don’t understand! Speak English! This is England and in England –

NIGERIAN P:                         O excuse me (clicks fingers) my husband is the ambassador! I have my master in English! Do not think I cannot talk, like you talk; now I want to know about the prize money. If you did not want people asking about it then why did you put it there? Nonsense! (Kisses teeth)

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (stern – calmer tone) I was not insinuating that –

NIGERIAN P:                         (Angrily) O I know, you was not insinuating, this or whatever. Just tell me about the prize money. Your this incompetent assistant did not say anything when I asked him, they just moved me to this place.

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (between clenched teeth – rising anger) Are you telling me, that you don’t actually know what happened at the corner of Saint Mary Axe?! That you just came here to inquire about the prize money?!

NIGERIAN P:                         Is that not what I said – no. I saw something; man getting into a car with this fitty fitty woman, if you ask me I did not trust the way he was looking here and there and everywhere. He was dressed in business suite, it was his mistress this I know

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (strained voice) Thank you ma’am, but that doesn’t really qualify as information on the murder. I thank you for your time

NIGERIAN P:                         O no (starts speaking in Igo again.iwo mago-mago iwo, muguiwo, kpash

Translation: you are shady! Stupid man! Nonsense. 

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (Loudly) Jonathan! Get in here right now!

NIGERIAN P:                         Excuse me! The ambassador will hear about this one! Nonsense!  I was leaving anyway! (Kisses teeth – hump’s)

FX: The Nigerian Princess gets out and slams the door behind her – her heavy footsteps fade. Door opens again sturdy yet soft footsteps of Jonny can be heard – the door closes.

JONNY:                                  (Clears throat, hesitant, slight pause) erm sir?

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (loudly in anger) Are you incapable of thought?! Rational thought! No I don’t want you to answer that! Clearly you aren’t! Haven’t you been paying attention to the sort of people who are coming through here! Saint Mary Axe is around the city, so it will be the business types who may have seen something from their office window, I know them types work late! Can’t you even ask them one or two questions to find out if there legit – So I don’t have to waste my time? I know you’re not thinking of answering that! Bring the next one in you dolt!

FX: Shuffling of feet, as Jonny fidgets under Lee’s gaze. Soft padding of feet, as Jonny makes his way out of the room, the door swigs open then closed. Lee fixes the paper in front of him – light rustling of paper

INSPECTOR LEE:                 (sighs then yawns loudly) I ought to fire him.


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